Now this pony could be advertised as 100% Travel!!!!

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/pony-express-not-train-sir-104754880.html

Vile Child!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-Wfq38NaGDU

...and the Mare Stare award for evil yard owner goes to........

......actually, I can't decide, as every day I hear another story that makes my jaw drop, though am happy to share my own experience and personal "favorite".

The first yard Lady Bz and I were at had acres of off road hacking, huge airy boxes, a wash down area, lorry parking, fabulous individual turnout, and a beautifully maintained school with a posh surface and mirrors. I couldn't believe that they had a vacancy (though now of course I know why the turnover was somewhat higher than might be expected).

This yard owner would "help" her liveries to buy suitable horses, and would not take any payment from them, stating that she just wanted the to have lovely horses and be happy, however it transpired that she always "helped" them to buy horses from a contact of hers who:- a) was a dealer and often had horses who were quirky or difficult sellers, and b) would sell them to XXX's livery for an inflated price and they would then trouser the extra between them. She only got caught because of an issue with an insurance company asking for proof of price paid, and somehow the livery got the receipt less XXX's cut (over £2K) - which I somehow feel the tax man would be interested in also.

This scam completed, it wasn't long before unsuspecting livery found out that the horse they had bought was a little more complicated than they had bargained for, which is of course where yard owner would come in, offering to school the horse for the livery (for a fee, or course). Naturally she would also provide lessons, which mostly consisted of her yelling how useless the livery was and that she should "get that horse ON THE BIT-NOW" - without any explanation as to how that should be achieved, and she actually had the front to charge people actual cash money for this b@llocks.

Then there was the little stuff - she constantly yelled at the grooms (who were competent, hard working and pleasant), continually advertised for grooms so there was always some poor kid on an unpaid "trial period" working his/her @rse off in the hope of a job that never materialised, and if she wasn't yelling at the staff then she was yelling at the liveries or her husband, a mild-mannered sort who always wore a personal stereo which I believe was simply to drown out the yelling. Though probably at the time the thing that made my teeth itch most was the meter you had to put a pound in to put the lights on in the school in the winter, having paid £150.00 a week for livery. hmmmm.

We lasted three months (and a month of that was waiting for a vacancy at the next yard), during which time I discovered that she had stopped turning my horse out because "it was eating all her grass" - BAD HORSE, BAD. I also turned up one night after work to find a huge plank from the box wall hanging down in my horses stable, nails up, my horse bleeding, and no sign of anyone on the yard.

There were other things too - for instance no-one was allowed to use the school on the days she was competing until she had left for the venue, as it "upset her concentration".

When I look back now I wonder at what precise point I realised she was a completely crazy bitch, though I do think there was an aspect of the "boiling frog" to it, i.e. she started out seeming very nice and just gradually revealed the craziness until you accepted it as normal.

Totilas - dressage horse or circus horse - you decide!

http://www.preloved.co.uk/fuseaction-adverts.showadvert/index-1033793455/5ea7ddb3.html

Personally I think he has been a little rushed - last saw him with Edward Gal 2 years ago at Windsor and couldn't believe he was being given 10's by the judges for canter pirouettes that looked like he was dragging himself around on the forehand. I am wearing my flame proof suit whilst posting this but I also think there is something hackney-ish about his trot, and like all GP horses seems to walk like a constipated Ox. All in all he always looks to me like a super-talented horse on whom no trick, gadget or quick-fix has been spared in order to get him out there as early as possible in order to make maximum bucks on the stud fees.

Also, am I just an envious old cow or does Matthias Rath have the smug look of the pony club kid who knows his parents have just bought him the best pony on the circuit?

If you want to be taken seriously in the horse world......

.....always be sure to have your picture taken riding with pram-pusher hands and wearing pink wellingtons, it really impresses people who may be thinking of loaning their horse to you free, gratis and for nothing - not.

http://www.preloved.co.uk/fuseaction-adverts.showadvert/index-1033793455/5ea7ddb3.html

Question - would you hand your horse over to this person?

http://www.preloved.co.uk/fuseaction-adverts.showadvert/index-1033811934/357cb17a.html

Even in a recession, there are still 6000 people in the UK prepared to part with serious money to see the Parellis.

http://central.parellinaturalhorsetraining.com/2011/04/horse-riding-parelli-community-rocks-the-lg-arena-at-the-uk-celebration/

Apparenly:-this was a Celebration of community, core values and the common cause of ‘creating a better world,’ 6,000 attendees smiled, laughed and learnt more about the art of natural horsemanship and how to ‘read a horse.’

I think it was about £90.00 to get in - but if Mr and Mrs P are now "creating a better world" then surely that's well worth anybody's money?

Surely it's time that PP was beatified - or should he be fast-tracked straight to sainthood? Next he will be claiming to cure blind and lame horses with the laying on of hands - for a fee of course.

Now I know where all the horse ads I am replying to got their measuring technique from!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBAyrpfe0OM&feature=related

So this horse is either 12hh, or 15.3 - oh I suppose that's close enough - I think her measurement technique has also been applied to a lot of the show ponies I see over the summer too!

Bendy horse for sale!!!

I am still finding peculiar ads whilst searching for a horse - all I want is a pretty one an old lady can get on from the ground who won't try to kill me too often; how hard can that be?

Today's intriguing ad states "...strong and athletic, flexible through the spine..." WTFFFFF? Of course there are so many horses for sale who are rigid through the spine that it must be worth pointing this out. Also I wonder if this is "horse ad speak" for BUCKS LIKE BU@@ERY???

Another incident of a child being hurt or worse when catching/turning out.

http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/397/307276.html

This very sad story of a young girl being found dead in the field with a crush injury does bring to the fore the dangers of handling horses from the ground.

I was always told as a kid that "very few people get kicked in the head whilst onboard", and whilst you can do everything right and still get hurt (and I am making no judgment in this particular case) - I know do get laughed at for always wearing a hat and gloves when catching or turning out.

I also wonder whether ground manners are always prioritised and insisted upon, for instance my mare knows she has to turn to me and wait quietly while I take the headcollar off - even if her mates are hooning around like lunatics.

I have heard that horse people can be difficult to deal with.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T4HRkAwN_oA

Inaccurate horse ad du jour

I have just seen quite a pretty, but not spectacularly bred little horse, within my price range, not a baby or geriactric, and advertised as "ideal first horse". I am not looking for a first horse, but I do need to downhorse as I am old and decrepit and and consequently do not have the physicality to get flung around by a big warmblood. - therefore I phoned to enquire, my little hands trembling with anticipation as I clutched the mobile and asked my questions. In the course of the conversation I discovered the following. The horse for sale (who is rising 10):-

• Is of uncertain parentage
• Does not hack alone
• Needs sedation to be clipped and shod
• Does not jump
• Is not easy to load
• Flatwork is green - doesn't go on the bit
• Has no show or competition experience
• Has hunted - but has no brakes so current owner wouldn't recommend it.

So, basically this mare could be best described as a waste of grass - and could be all mine for just over £4000.00. I give up.

Horse (M)ads part le deux

http://www.horsedeals.co.uk/horses-for-sale/allrounder-horse/Natural-Horsemanship-AQHA-Mare__2-5-11-631715

Now this is an example of everything I need in a horse- lies down, stands up and trails around after someone with an orange stick.  Must be worth £3500 of anybody's money.

The wonderful Sarah Stetner

Apologies for slightly grainy nature of this footage, but Expert Village have now removed the fail queen Ms Stetner after about a zillion Americans complained that she was talking B0ll0cks -or whatever the US equivalent is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m24-BprOqkc

This is so accurate it's scary!!!!!

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7041337/a-day-in-the-life-of-an-equine-vet

Horse (M)ads

I am currently in the process of looking for a horse to buy, and am utterly arsey at having to translate "horse ad speak" - though so far I have managed to decipher the following from the near-impenetrable code:-

Suitable for Novice = 27 year old riding school horse who will steadfastly refuse to move under ANY circumstances  (see also "bombproof").
Forward going = Last seen entering the motorway slipway heading for the next county.
Sound in wind and limb = blind
Ideal second pony = snarly b#gger who will demand carrots with menaces and has no brakes
Totally wasted in current home = we haven't been able to catch him in six months.
Not novice ride = homicidal (see also "cheeky")
Suit competent rider = can only be ridden by 7th generation Irish ex-jockey with velcro sewn into pants
Jumps for fun = without warning when hacking, or out of the field at 4.00 a.m.

Any further suggestions greatly appreciated.

Also the phrase "snaffle mouth" must be one of the most overused/abused  - for instance I have seen a  horse in a dutch gag described as such - and no, swapping the reins onto the bit ring to take the photograph doesn't fool anyone.

On the other hand, I am also in the process of trying to sell my quirky, opinionated,  yet wonderful warmblood mare (the mighty Lady Bz, for those of you who know me from other forums) - and have tried to advertise her as honestly as possible, and yet, amongst a host of other people who clearly couldn't ride one side of her,  I have still had a call from someone looking for a horse for their sixteen year old daughter who is "very confident and competent" as has been riding for 9 MONTHS - who then proceeded to throw a major strop when I refused to let them come and see her.  It does make me wonder what some instructors are telling people if they genuinely believe that after 9 months they are ready, willing and able to hop on a big, quirky horse and canter off round the big tracks.

So I wonder, is it just me, or do others find themselves screening prospective buyers for appropriate competence via an interrogation worthy of the Spanish Inquisition?  I know in IT departments they use the abbreviation JRtFI (Just Read the F~cking Instructions) - should we introduce a new abbreviation "JRtFA" (where the A = "Advert").